A Story of Tough Love (part 5) The End.

The years passed by and got more and more mature, I turned 20, 21, 22…I moved to Havana with the help of my dear friend Debra. I started developing my career, traveling out of the country, learning from other cultures and then I got married,  to a Psychologist.  Yamel and I were not meant to be together forever but I have to say that he helped me a lot in different ways, he specially helped me understand a lot about the human mind. I read all his books and we used to have long conversations about my sister. I told him something that I never thought it was that important but for some reason it came to mind and I just told him and here I will tell you now:

 One day when my sister and I were together waiting for the train she started crying, I didn’t know why so I asked her what was going on. She couldn’t stop crying and finally she was able to articulate some ideas. She said: I hate myself, I hate myself so much, you have no idea. You can’t even imagine how much I hurt you when you were very little. When Mom went to work at night and she left you with me you started crying and I just hated that so I hurt you but nobody knew anything and then I felt horrible but I couldn’t tell anybody. I just hugged her and said: come on Ileana! I was just a baby, I can’t even remember anything. Forget about that, I love you and I forgive you for whatever you did to me when you were a baby. Come one, stop crying, that’s silly.

 But Yamel made me think in a competly different way when I told him this story. He thought that maybe that was the key to the door that was keeping my sister locked inside a world of guilt. He showed me a new way to look at why my sister had the tendency to reject me. He thought that I was just too perfect with my sister because I never got mad at her, I never did anything mean to her, I never said anything offensive to her so with every good action that I did for her, with every beautiful gesture, with every little bit of love I gave her she only felt more and more imperfect. This made lots of sense to me. I remember that around the time when these ideas came out my sister started calling me on the phone and saying offensive things to me. She desperately wanted me to be mad at her but as always, I just showed her love the way I had done since I was a little girl.

 Then one day I realized that somehow, I was being selfish, because I just wanted to give my sister love no matter what. It made me happy to give her love but not for one second I thought about what that love was doing to her. I was hurting her. I was making her feel imperfect, guilty and miserable. A normal person would had felt differently in her situation of course, because it is hard not to enjoy it when people show you love, but in her particular mind the love equation was a different one. That’s when I had to think outside the box.

 It took me about a year to process my new ideas, to observe how my love was hurting Ileana but also myself and to understand that I had to make a tough-love decision. After that year putting all my ideas together in a way that made sense to me one hundred percent I was ready for the most extreme thing that I ever did with one of my relatives, I had to stop talking to her, not for a month or a year but forever, for the rest of my life, that was going to be my way to set her free. And it worked. I wrote her a letter pretending that I was so mad at her for all those years, for all the things that she did to everybody and myself…She knew how much I loved her and I am sure that she thought: Elsita will be back. But I never did, even when I had doubts about my decision, I never did because I knew that my return was going to make her world collapse.

 And today I am happy to say that somehow, that was the miracle that I always waited for. Who could imagine that the magic was going to come from myself and from my own decision to stop talking to my sister? She immediately changed, it was as if someone had taken a huge weigh away from her, she felt completely liberated. I can’t say that her mental illness went away but it is a fact that her crisis have stayed pretty much under control for all these years. The quality of her emotional life improved and the best thing is that our connection have stayed alive anyway but now through my Mom. I still help my sister through my Mom, I send her money once in a while. I know everything about her, how she is doing, how she is feeling. At the same time she talks with my Mom about me, she knows everything about my life and about Natalie and Diego and Bill and Miro.

The relationship between my sister and I has been one of the most amazing schools that I ever went through, I learned so much. And one of the most important things that I learned is that love is the most powerful thing ever and it sometimes manifests in the most unexpected ways. Human nature is a mystery and it is also something beautiful even in its darkest side. No matter how hard life is sometimes, no matter how much pain we have to carry with us, no matter how much we lose, in the end  there is always one single thing that has the power to keep us going and creating and giving and that is LOVE. As long as we let love have a big space in our hearts and souls everything will always be OK. 

I want to thank you so very much for letting me share this story with you, it means a lot to me. All my best for you and your loved ones!

Elsita :)

Comments

[ei! kumpel]

My dear Elsita,

I waited all these days for the end of your story. Today I even woke up thinking about this... your words are so powerful, I smiled so many times while reading this, and I also cried imagining how hard your life was.

I need to say that I truly, truly admire you, not only as an artist, but as a mother, a wife and a woman. You are incredible and a very brave woman for sharing this with us.

Your life as a child was hard, but it made you the special person that you're today and I feel very lucky because I discovered you, your art and your beautiful blog.

Thank you. You can be sure I will keep this story in my heart and in my mind. Because you're right: we all need love in our hearts!

love,
margarida

[Elizabeth]

Brave Elsa,

Thank you for your story. Although I am crying now I know these tears are to heal and to relief my soul from the pain of living alone without blood relatives for 24 years now. Had to make that decision to keep me alive. Your story helps me in many ways. Thank you for sharing your love for life.

For ever indebted,
Elizabeth

[Elizabeth]

Brave Elsa,

Thank you for your story. Although I am crying now I know these tears are to heal and to relief my soul from the pain of living alone without blood relatives for 24 years now. Had to make that decision to keep me alive. Your story helps me in many ways. Thank you for sharing your love for life.

For ever indebted,
Elizabeth

[Rachel]

Amazing story. Thank you so much for sharing. It's so brave of you to see that sometimes the best way to walk is away from the people you love.

[nicola]

Oh Elsa, I hadn't checked your blog for a few weeks, and the story of your relationship with your sister was waiting for me. What a surprise and what a generous thing to do-thank you so much for sharing it with your readers. One of my two sisters died a few months ago and there was much that was mysterious and incomplete in our relationship. i am still very sore with grief. Hearing another woman's story about a deep, loving and turbulent relationship with her sister was somehow very nurturing for my sad heart. Thank you.

[Margaret Oomen]

i love you elsita and when ever I look at those fine, delicate, intricate , beautiful patterns of lace trapped in the cold , hard, imperfect ice I will think of this story and the amazing friend that emerged from it.

[Lía]

Gracias a ti por compartir esta historia que no ha tenido que ser nada fácil. Durante estos días me has tenido en vilo y me has hecho reflexionar sobre un montón de cosas...gracias otra vez ;)
Un abrazo,
Lía

PD. Perdona el comentario en español, mi inglés no es tan bueno como yo quisiera.

[La Donna]

Elsita,
Thank you for this lesson.
La Donna

[Susan]

An amazing conclusion and beautifully written. You have a gift for writing and I hope you'll do more!

[Marga]

Mi queridísima Elsa,
Thanks for opening your beautiful heart to us.
You say that Ileana has been your best school... I tell you that you are a model for many of us and that you teach us values and feelings that we treasure up.
You can't imagine how much love you send to all of us!!!
Que Dios te bendiga, mi amiga! Eres única.
Un beso enorme

[michele (Maryland)]

Oh, Elsita: your story was just so "warming" and wonderful. Thank you so much. I too have a sister that I have not seen or heard from for many, many years (her choice, I have tried). I know your pain but pain does make us stronger in our lives for sure.
Your story was a lovely Christmas gift to me. love michele

[Donna]

As the tears slip down my face my heart goes out to you and your family. What a wonderful gift you gave your sister! And your family is so strong to be able to love and support your sister - it is truly amazing. I am sure you would love to be able to put your arms around her again and hug her.....but are so generous in doing it this way and sharing with us. Thank you for sharing and helping those of us who struggle with tough love.

[mystele]

elsita, i haven't commented in a while, but i've been here...i thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. in this culture, you are a celebrity in more ways than one, but you continually ignore the hype and choose to be just one of the girls. this story has sealed the deal.

i've been following this story with baited breath. it has been so beautiful that it hurts. it must be a painful joy that allows you to tell this part of your life and continue on without speaking to your sister. i am so glad that God put someone in your path to help her move towards freedom. what a miracle- wow. you reminded me that real love always gives life and freedom, but sometimes it has to die to do so.

♥ mystele

[Lynn]

Elsita, what a story. What a wonderful person you are. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Love is very important. One can be very poor and live in squalor, but if you are loved you will be okay. I also believe that things happen for a reason although we may never know the reason.

I can see your love in your art.

Lynn

[Lemon Tree Tami]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! You're a very strong and loving person to have chosen this path with your sister.

Now I have to go back and look at some of your papercuts with a different perspective. I always thought they were beautiful before, but now there's an intense history behind them that makes them even more compelling.

[linnea]

Elsa,
thank you so much for sharing your story. You are so brave and full of love.
xox,
Linnea

[Cam]

Beautiful, just beautiful. Thanks for sharing, I'm sure there are many who needed to hear your story.

[laura]

you are such an amazing person. thank you for sharing your story with us. thank you for the reminder that love can fix even the worst problems. you are such a blessing to the people you know, i hope you realize this!

[kiwi]

gracias a tí :)

[A Fanciful Twist]

Oh Elsita,

I have followed the entire story. How brave and really tuly, indredible for you to find the key to helping your sister.

What strength of character and mind, but more, what love you truly had for her.

Letting go - Setting free...

Truly unreal. xoxo

[Graciela]

Tia querida:
Gracias por aclararme con tu historia muchas cosas que por mi edad antes no tuve tiempo de entender...de verdad quede sin palabras, lloré, pero no sabia si lloraba por el dolor de saber que la protagonista de esa historia tan dura era mi madre y yo al final tenia una historia igual o peor que la tuya, o si solo lloraba porque por fin habia entendido algo que siempre me cuestione, siempre vi todo el amor que sentias por ella, recuerdo cuando ibas a vernos y llegabas con los mejores regalos para tu hermana y tus sobrinos, etc, toda esa parte la vivi, pero de repente te alejaste y a pesar de que yo habia hecho lo mismo, me dolia el saber que te habias olvidado de ella, pero ahora me dejaste claro que tienes un corazon tan pero tan inmenso que nunca, la dejaste realmente de lado, que a pesar de no comunicarte directamente con ella, siempre estuviste pendiente de su vida, TE DOY LAS GRACIAS POR ESO....ahora sí, hay algo que quiero preguntarte...escribiste esta historia porque sientes la necesidad de estar con ella, de hablarle o de unir de nuevo los lazos??? bueno cualquier cosa por la que haya sido, estoy segura sera lo correcto, eres demasiado especial como para hacer algo que dañe a alguien.Bueno que mas te puedo decir, eres maravillosa, me siento muy orgullosa de ser tu sobrina y como alguna vez ella fue tu ejemplo a seguir, ahora aunque no lo creas, eres el mio.
Eres perfecta Elsitosa..
VIVA ELSITA!!!!!!!!!!
Te Amooooo
Graciela

[Colleen]

Thank-You. My heart is opened.

[sadie527]

Elsa, Thank you for sharing your story. How very brave you have been. I rejoice to hear that your sister is doing better. - Amy Bauer

[Thien-Kim]

I'm typing this through tears. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I have read every part, eagerly waiting for the next part of the story. You are so strong and brave. I cannot even imagine how hard your decision was to make.

[Crystal]

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. I can see what a beautiful soul you have from how you write about your sister, and it's obvious how much you love her and all your family. I am glad you can keep in contact with her and vise versa through your mom. My sister is ill and having a lot of problems and reading this gave me some hope that maybe one day I will find some beauty and wisdom in this experience instead of just pain. Thanks again for sharing. If you were here I would hug you really hard! :)

[Miss Dot]

thank you so much for sharing this story and I am so glad it had a happy ending. ((big hug))

[Clichyrose]

Some of the newer medications are a tremendous improvement over past available treatments. I pray your sister has access to the newest medications in Cuba.

[sara]

wow elsa, you have shared such an intimate part of your life so genuinely and lovingly...thank you for reminding all of us that life is difficult but through love and understanding, we can all find a way to peace.

[dissertation writing help]

Blogs are good for every one where we get lots of information for any topics nice job keep it up !!!

[Ana]

Querida Elsita,

I was already admiring your wisdom, your creativity and especially your capacity for inconditional LOVE before you wrote this beautiful story. Now I feel even more so and also full of gratitute to you for touching so many lives with your GRACE and LOVE.

[Karen Salva]

Elsita,I have been reading every morning on my "reader" and now have time to comment. Thank you so much for sharing this story. As a pharmacist I see several patients rise and fall with this disease. To read of how you had to deal with it and the impact on the family gives me the understanding more than any medical journal will ever tell. You are very brave indeed and very kind to share your story.

[nanouke]

Elsita, thank you so much for sharing this with us... You're an amazing person and you deserve all the good things life has reserved for you!

Thank you!

[dutchbaby]

It must have been so counterintuitive for you to have to leave your sister's side. Thank you, Elsita, for a beautiful story.

[Inês]

Elsita
You are superhuman and such an inspiration in my life. Your courage and strength aare admirable. Moreover, you have the incredible ability to stay young, bright and positive through so many tough things and pass on that beautiful way of seeing and living life to others through your art and your amazing words. Thank you. May you have a bright Christmas and a wonderful New Year :)

[Elizabeth]

You a really a beautiful story teller. What a brave thing you did for your sister. It would be hard for me to do something like that, or selfish as you say. I love your artwork, and I think that knowing a little more about your life makes it even better. Happy Holidays!

[Alison]

Wow. Your story is so powerful. I wish I could articulate (can't seem to find the right words) the many ways your story has opened my mind & heart. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story.

[michelle]

Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad it had something of a happy ending. I wish for you that somehow you could be together but I think you are very brave to help her in the ways that you can. What wonderful perspective you have.

[Alex Mora]

It makes me feel good knowing how our hardships and suffering from our early years back in Cuba somehow may help others to be better humans.As I write this I new that she's just been released from a Hospital due to another crisis.
Que Dios la ayude.
I love you my dear sister and hero.
Mano.

[Kate I]

Elsa your story touched my heart profoundly. You are indeed an angel with much love for your family and the world...it shines through brilliantly.

Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart with us. I'm most grateful! Hugs to you as you take time to relax and have fun with your family on your holiday.

[Adriana]

Una vez más adoré leer tu historia.
Hace tiempo te sigo, aunque no recuerdo si ya he dejado algún comentario.Tu tienes el don de comunicar, de transmitir sentimientos de una manera tan intensa que me cohibo al intentar comentar algo, pero esta vez lo hago para decirte que al conocerte aunque sea virtualmente da para ver que eres una persona especial...de las que lamentablemente no abundan en este mundo.

Un abrazo fuerte desde Uruguay

P.D: Estuve en Cuba, quedé enamorada de esa tierra,de su gente, etc,ahí conservo una amiga desde los 15 años, ahí conocí mi marido ( portugués) con quien hoy tengo una hijita linda!

[Nolleke]

Elsita, I thank you for telling about you and your sister!
Do you think/hope you can ever share more with her? And do you ever doubt if you made the right decision?
My sister committed suicide and I miss her so.

[emma]

what amazing story. i wish you and your family every happiness in life.
happy christmas x

[sweetcheese]

Oh, Elsita. How sad and beautiful. What a brave, selfless woman you are to give up the sister you love in order to help her.

[Pat]

Dear Elista,

Thank you for sharing such a heartbreaking story. How brave you are to have made the decision to pretend to be mad at your sister to help her. It must have cost you dearly. At least there's the satisfaction of knowing your sister is now in some control of her illness. But at such a price for you. May God be with you Elista. You are a very strong woman.

I have followed your blog for sometime. I admire your work. I never expected to hear such a story here. Again, thank you for sharing.

Pat

[Rita Rosa]

I have become a fan of your posts..jajajaa... I am your brother old classmate. Have a very marry christmas, and I will be sending you my children music cd, for your kids as a navidad present. Bye

[Angelina]

Thank you Elsa, thank you so much.
I have been quietly visiting your blog for some time now and I just love it. When I ran across your story I kept returning again and again to follow this beautiful, vulnerable, open tale. Thank you so much. You are such an inspiration as an artist, a woman and a person.
Blessings
Angelina

[a rose is a rose]

how very brave of you to share this with us. i actually KNOW how hard it is to live with someone with mental illness so i absolutely understand.

thank you

[Nelly]

Elsita,

Gracias por haber tenido el valor de compartir tu historia. De veras, que eres un GRAN EJEMPLO de como debemos de ser todos. La mayoría de nosotros creemos que pudiésemos sacrificar algo tan inmensamente importante por el bien de un ser querido, pero esta de ver quien tenga el valor de hacer algo así como lo que tu has hecho. Te felicito Elsita. Te felicito por tu humilde y sumamente GIGANTE CORAZÓN.

Yo, por mi parte, no se como haría en la misma situación, pero si te digo que el leer sobre tu experiencia me ha conmovido e impactado profundamente. Gracias de nuevo y que siempre estés rodeada de grandes corazones así como es el tullo.

FELIZ ANO NUEVO!

[Lucia]

He esperado semanas para leer la historia de tu hermana...sabia que iba a ser algo muy bello y muy emocionante. Me has tocado el corazon como no te puedes imaginar.
Gracias Elsita,
Lucia in San Francisco

[Anna]

Elsita,
I don't have the words. Except: that reading this has really shaken me. Soy tan lejos de tener un corazón tan grande como el tuo. But I hope that reading this has helped me one step closer on this journey.

[simina]

Dear Elsa,
My friend committed suicide this January. Her name was Ileana. We loved her, but didn't know how to help her. Her condition had no name to us, her outbursts signaled nothing to us, we just saw her happy-go-lucky side when we were together. Love was not enough. She was genuinely happy when she was with us, but that didn't kill her demons for the rest of the day, for when she went back home, alone, for when she returned to her family life. I can't wholly express how much I wish we had some sort of professional help. Death is irreversible. Life is unrepeatable. But love makes it bearable. And the only reason why we haven't gone mad over our guilt is that she loved us as much as we loved her.